Thursday, March 13, 2014

Just Jabberwocky

You know, it's funny, I have between three and five partially written blog posts for this blog that actually have nothing to do with my anxiety yet I always find myself publishing by thoughts regarding my health. I'm sure it's really getting boring to read but let me assure you that it's even more boring for me to write, to experience.

Now, it would require some graphic detail to explain to you what happened recently that has retriggered it and thrown me five steps back. The very simplified version that I'm sure you were bright enough to piece together is it has to do with the very last part of digestion. My shit is literally fucked up. Generally, when I have physical symptoms (chest pain, abnormal heart beat, body numbness or tingling, etc), I can write it off as me being hysterical. However, this time I found myself unable to ignore this problem. Not only is it not new but it's really pretty bad.

"So what'd the doctor say?" you ask. Well, here's my favorite part of this story. Since I was denied Medicaid (or Medicare, whichever is the one for poor people, that I'm apparently not poor enough for - this still blows my mind but that's another post entirely), I decided I would be a responsible adult and get health insurance as soon as we had enough money to pay the monthly cost which is vaguely a hundred dollars. As of Monday, we got that money. Now this happens and here I am, almost a day after I discovered the feces from Hell, trying to debate on whether I can wait until April 1st to go to the doctor, assuming that's when it would begin. If I do that, it's another half month of nausea, abdominal pain, zero appetite, fatigue and terrifying shit.

As it is, I have a job opportunity that I'm too afraid to take because I'm at the point now where I can't even force myself to clean my house. My anxiety is being made only worse by my heightened digestion problems. I just slept around thirteen hours because I was too tired to even make myself get out of bed. I woke up purely because I was scared and didn't want to lay in there by myself anymore, frightened that I'm going to die alone. I know that it's pretty unlikely for the symptoms I have to kill you but after these symptoms elevating for literally years I can't seem to convince myself it hasn't found a way to destroy my from the inside.

I try so very hard to be positive. I know that it's the healthier thing I am physically capable of doing. A week ago I was forcing myself to exercise for at least ten minutes a day because I know it helps basically every problem and with how violently tired I am, that's the best I could manage. I can't even get myself to hula hoop for five minutes now, my heart starts racing immediately and I crumble into panic mode.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the doctor. I can't put it off any longer and even if it means I'll be even further in medical debt, I need someone to tell me what's wrong with me. Especially now that I have bagged evidence and they can't just write me off as not eating enough fiber or needing a diet change. Though those are both probably true, it is not the real problem.

I just forced myself to eat half of a burger and I already want to throw up. Everything other than potatoes and bread makes me feel incredibly ill. Although I just slept thirteen hours, I wish nothing more right now than that I could just turn off my brain and go back to sleep, but not even fun, technicolored ponies are keeping me calm enough to lay still. Fuck, I tried having sex last night just to chase the demons away which has never failed me before but afterwards I was more lonely and scared than I was before. I'm officially out of ideas. I've been crying on and off for a day now yet tomorrow I'm supposed to pretend I feel fine for our company that's been planned for basically a month, drink (which always triggers my stomach symptoms in a violent way), and have fun. All I really want is a hospital bed and a team of medical personnel to find out what's wrong with me and fix it without me being in crippling debt for the next ten years.

If only this big, strange lump on the side of my neck would go away. If only my insides didn't struggle to break apart every piece of food I ate. If only I didn't feel like a wet noodle, struggling to balance when I walk and too weak to do anything other than force one foot in front of the other.

Everyone is tired of hearing me talk about this. Including me. If there was anyway I could change my reality, go back to the person I used to be before I started getting sick, I would. Sometimes I fear she's gone forever and that I'll always be a shade of who I once was. Eight and a half hours until I can go to the doctor. Maybe then I'll get some answers and the opportunity to reclaim who I used to be.


  1. There are so many typos in this. I haven't the motivation to correct them. I apologize.

  2. I'll try to keep this brief. It might sound like an exhausted verbal knuckle rap but just reconsider this. I say reconsider mainly because it's damn near impossible you've not already drawn this conclusion yourself. Your food. Your diet, your outlook on life. You said you've tried to be positive? Keep it up. If it's difficult... Well to be cliche; nothing in life is worth it if it's easy right? Paraphrasing of course. Back to the diet, food almost always cures or infects the body. You need to detox, plain and simple - go to extremes if you have to. You're sick of feeling this way? Do what it takes to push through it. I'm talking supplements, exercise, and all those fucking great greens. Yeah, read this with glazed eyes but what I'm preaching just might reverse your ailments. Sadly limiting the recommendations and full-out talk on this is detrimental to getting the point across but just try the suggestions if you're serious. If you're still in Ludington go to Evergreen, you may have been in there before, you may go there occasionally? I don't know if you do at all, this is assuming you participate in eclectic tastes. Purge your body, start from the ground up. Read up on supplements for your symptoms. Stuff is out there. Promise. Wasn't as brief as I wanted it, ah well health is important. Hope you get well. -D

    1. Thank you, I appreciate the recommendations. I do take vitamins every day, drink an insane amount of water and I attempt to exercise when I can muster up the will power.

      Positive thinking is my big "thing", I spend a really large amount of energy working to retrain the way I think. It's slow going but when I compare my thought processes now to what they were like six months ago or (even worse), a year ago, there's a definite improvement. Instead of a panic attack a day, all the way up to an eight or nine out of ten, I'm down to one of those a week or sometimes even two weeks. That's incredible for me and I attribute a lot of it to basically DBT'ing myself. You are very right in saying it's not easy but it is indeed worth it.

      As for diet, I do understand that it's a huge factor. It's a little frustrating for me for several reasons. One, I have a pretty substantial list of things I'm allergic/sensitive to unfortunately. Two, there are other things that my immune system doesn't mind but my digestive system does. Three, money. I love Evergreen, they've got tons of great stuff (including wonderful tea which almost always makes me feel better), but their prices are... High, to put it gently. Since I'm at a point where all of my bills are behind by at least a month and government assistance basically covers bread, milk, eggs, butter and a couple pounds of beef, it's not really an option for me.

      I do agree that supplements, exercise and veggies are the way to do it. I'm doing the first two which are slowly but steadily improving things and I get as much of the third as I can (actually was just able to splurge on some asparagus this week thanks to a pretty good sale from Meijer). I'm starting a garden this summer and will also be making more money so I can go to the farmer's market in the meantime.

      Supplement wise, pretty sure my iron is out of wack along with my vitamin D which is why I started up on these particular vitamins. We'll see! I appreciate your wish for wellness and hope that you find healing and peace now that you're back in Ludington as well. It'll be much easier for both of us, I think, when summer comes around. Just don't get too wild, drugs will fuck with you every time.

      And I know my blog makes me seem really negative but in truth this is my one real outlet besides video games. Here's to hoping both of us can properly assimilate with society after two different kinds of incarceration. Thanks again.

    2. This is all good to hear, see, I knew you would've tried this before. Or at least called out the consideration. Just keep to it, make a plan, commit. Forge yourself into someone you both want and need to be through that discipline. Also, to the tail end of your reply, I'm not sure who you may be referring to but I guess that's the beauty and drawback of anonymity. Perhaps one of the last people you'd expect trying to help you. Left Ludington quite a while back. -Derek

    3. I only knew of one person most likely reading my blog with a "D" name and made a shot in the dark to see if it'd goad you into revealing yourself (this seems unkind but that's not my intention). To be honest, I highly doubted it was the person I was aiming for and I'm a mixture of curious and relieved to read your name.

      Discipline is key. As is commitment. I do truly appreciate the time you took to write your suggestions and encouragement. Good for you for getting out of Ludington, seriously. This place is poison.

    4. Don't ask me why, because I wouldn't be able to answer you properly if I gave it all the time in the world, I felt the need to seek and answer. I coddle my low-grade savior complex by assisting with any advice I may have to those I'm aware may have a problem, or rather I operate on a hunch that some people are in danger or feel like hell and I want to help. I hope all that you practice in the ways of healing benefit you in one way or another soon, give you hope for a brighter morning and all the other benevolent wishes that come surgically bound to the hip with such optimistic tidings. As far as ludington being poison... You could be in far worse places. At least you have friends and somewhat beautiful scenery, neh? I could have left my anonymity at the front door with the first message without a "D" but where's the fun in that? I'll only be a face in the crowd if I absolutely must.

  3. we can bond over our scary poops if nothing else. I have a post in my drafts that is almost exclusively about poop


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