Monday, July 14, 2014

Tentative Tenacity Takes A Turn

I went through a stint of obsessively looking forward once my mother moved back in (what will I do in the fall? Am I going to live here forever? If I leave her, what will she do?), and now I find myself doing the opposite in a futile attempt to keep myself from torturing myself with questions I'm not even sure will be relevant in three months.

Being prone to making one mistake after another, often the errors being repeats or eerily similar to those missteps I had taken in the past, it's easy for me to get down when I look backwards. Interestingly, when I did accomplish something I was very proud of (the completion of a pilot episode), I was struck with terror that I'd die now that I had something decent to leave behind. As you can probably tell by now, I'm not very good at maintaining a stable plateau of emotion.

Lately, I've been thrashing between happy and sad as violently as I did back in high school. The strange thing for me is that I started this medication to treat my anxiety - and treat my anxiety it has done - but in the process I have realized I was also incredibly depressed. I forgot what it was like to feel instead of react. My apathy was occasionally punctuated by melancholy, with brief interjections of drunken glee. Other than the temporary distractions of my own design, I spent most time in a haze.

Truth be told, I prefer my recent bout of mood swings to the rarely changing emotions of my past. The only time my heart was truly roused this winter was when I sought solstice in the arms of someone I shouldn't have. Though I regret how that decision hurt my husband, at the time I was in a place where I could either stop paddling and drown or swim to the person I know I wouldn't drag down with my weight. They were beautiful and talented and in the end I hurt them as well. My selfishness, my destructive tendencies always find ways to leave matching scars on those around me.

Today I've been especially heartbroken thinking about all this because I accidentally deleted the entirety of my inbox. Almost a year of protected messages. Texts saying how people love my writing and blog, my personality and appearance; poetry and pictures and love and reassurance - all gone. These were my tiny fragments of happiness that I clung to whenever the world caved in around me and I could hardly breathe. I would read each word hungrily, my soul starving for reassurance and affection. Now I have nothing to cling to when the night is at it's blackest.

Coincidentally, though, this occurred at a time in my life when I'm choosing to believe in the concept of things happening for some reason. The simplified version of this concept being fate. Honestly, my whole belief system has been rattling inside of it's cage for some time now and the whole thing is really too complicated for me to get into right now. My point in bringing it up now is that maybe, just maybe, I was meant to eliminate my crutches so I can see how I'm able to walk without them. If worse comes to worst, I may find myself reaching out instead of hiding within.

Speaking of which, my medication has definitely improved my fear regarding social interaction. Just yesterday I saw a fistful of people that only a month or two ago would have begun my internal screaming. That is something which frustrates me a bit - things like that are hard for others to really know about. I'm perfectly capable of acting natural and composed when socializing even though my uttermost desire is to bolt and hide. Yesterday, however, I was actually pleased to see most of the people who used to make me want to crawl into my shell.

I suppose this is what I get for writing at work - an ADD-ridden train wreck of a post. I'm sorry my content on here has been pretty lackluster lately, I've been absolutely preoccupied by the 40-plus weeks I'm officially on and jam packing every free moment with some activity or another. Soon enough though, I'll go back to writing shit that makes you cry and laugh and poop all at the same time. Or at the very least makes you think about something for a minute or two.

Speaking of which, we're already to 'T'. What should I do next? Start the alliteration alphabet all over again? Numerals? I'm taking suggestions. Comment below. Let me know you're still listening. I love you all.

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