i sort of forgot what having a panic attack was like, it's been so long. but i really overdid it last night and now i' insanely hungover. my desperation to get this feeling out of me is only rivaled by how much is falling out of my ass. beer is awful.
i'm not sure if i recognize who i am anymore. slowly, i'm giving up on my dreams, never even having really pursued any of them. to give up that hope is to surrender an integral part of who i am. what will have been my legacy purpose love, spreading love is a wonderful and honorable goal but i can't possibly be satisfied by only doing that. i want to leave some kind of memento, a solid, tangible thing that people can see and have some kind of idea of who i am. without that dream pushing me forward, i have been falling back.
i was confronted by someone in my life about how i've been behaving. the weird thing is, recently it's seemed normal to be on bottom because that's what the people around me are doing. i've given up because those around me have as well. it was only a matter of time before i realized it.
the system has been implanted to make us give up. to enslave us to our loans, to our mortgages, to our financial obligations. it's purpose is to literally force everyone to work so much that they can't possibly revolt or protest without the fear of losing it all.
fuck the system
this place is poison
i must get out
i'm getting better at seeing the truth before i've destroyed everything.