Thursday, February 12, 2015

Season 2, Episode 4: Transition

People think that there's moments which define how your life changes and sometimes there are, like getting married or having a child. Most of the time though, time casually passes by and it's as if you had walked a great distance but forgot your surroundings for the past thirty minutes. You look up and only now do you realize you're somewhere entirely new.

This is a relatively new revelation for me. Generally, the span of time between December and April becomes one poorly recalled blur. It's as if my brain goes on autopilot and I simply conserve excess energy until the earth is warm enough for me to sink my toes into the dirt and the air doesn't bite at my skin. Unfortunately, I am not a bear and it's not acceptable for me to become almost useless for half of the year. I have recognized that at least this year, it's necessary for me to be at least somewhat mentally present and proactive about my future. The truth is that it's all up to me how the rest of our lives play out. Being the one in charge of deciding the fates of three different people is pretty stressful. When I remember that I'm also fucking crazy, I'm pretty impressed by the fact that I haven't exploded yet but the truth is that I've been mentally offline... well, for at few months at the very least.

I've recognized the present as a period of transition partially based on me slowly losing all the drugs in my body one by one. Nicotine, hormones and most recently my anti-depressant. Today I took my final dose of Lexapro since I can no longer afford health insurance. Honestly, I never went above 10mg - I still had anxiety symptoms but I only wanted to take it to control the throat-closing, paralyzing daily panic attacks I used to suffer - so it shouldn't be too terrible. I'm nervous because my body is pretty sensitive to chemicals historically but I realize worrying about it before it even presents a problem is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Am I in a better place now than when I started my anti-depressants somewhere around a year ago? I would definitely say so. In truth, maybe it's good I'm coming off of them. It would be nice to try and live without my daily brain-soothing meds, see if I can just keep up with being active and practicing all that nonsense they teach you in therapy and feel the same way.

Soon we'll both find out. If things go south, writing will always be my best coping mechanism so that'll mean a lot more of me on here. On the flip side, maybe I'll be super busy and distract myself from my anxiety by being super productive! I can dream!!!

I'm at the tail end of a two week long illness and period so I apologize for not being quite so "cerebral" in this post. And for the brevity. I just thought it'd be a good idea to mark this pivotal moment. Will Carly and the gang end up homeless? Do the Ka-t's ever make it to Chicago? Does Carly lose her shit??? Find out on the next episode of "pop culture vortex"!

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