Saturday, February 14, 2015

Valentine's Day AKA Annual Mental Breakdown??

I may be dying.
This thought consumes me constantly, my heart racing, my hands shaking and everything's going fuzzy and dark.
You're okay,
This phrase is told to me repeatedly, the words echoing, their arms embracing and I'm sick and afraid.
Go lay down.
This inaction,
the only thing that keeps me from collapsing, hot trails down my cheek, embarrassment and relief.
In and out.
Let it go,
This cry into the void for some comprehension, a confirmation of life, recognition that indeed I am still breathing.

Still alive.

This one small truth overcomes everything,
a reminder there is still hope,
that this is just one moment,
one that will soon pass.

My legs feel tight and my stomach is in my heart and I can't breathe but I can my nose is so stuffed up. I took a Xanax and now I'm laying down so maybe I'll be okay.  Don't know what happened, it was a lot like a panic attack but worse how would I ever be able to tell if I had a heart attack or stroke? Well my smile feels even but my head hurts so much. Pulse was 140 earlier, 15 times 4. I think if I can still write semi logically then I must be okay. I must be okay. I must be okay. I can't afford to go to the doctor. I will be okay.

I am eating chocolate because I must be okay if I'm eating. Your adrenaline pretty much turns off which is helpful. Thanks Taco Bell & Chaz. Neither of these entities paid me to mention them, by the way. I must be feeling better if I can make a stupid joke. Maybe it's time to rejoin society.

In short

I think I am panicking a little bit because I really want to thank Jess for being literally the most incredible friend in the world and her beautiful family for reaching out to me and reminding me that none of us are in this alone. Aaaand there I go crying again. This has almost definitely been my most.. Interesting blog post I've done in a while. Thanks for bearing with me through some random both of improv poetry. I'm kind of working on something to better say thank you to Kiwi & Wyld & everyone who has reached out to me or donated literally any amount because if it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't be able to buy bread and eggs.

It's kind of fucking ridiculous right now but long story short, my husband and I are not able to obtain enough work to be able to support ourselves and my disabled mother. We've been basically just making payments on the essential bills for the past few months and struggling for at least six months before that. It's so frustrating to me sometimes when I remember that right after my mother had originally moved out, we had successfully saved almost $3,000 which we were going to use to move to Chicago. I used to think I had made a mistake staying in Ludington but then I see the positive impact it has made on other people's lives and as my mother likes to say, what goes around comes around. Life is strange but so incredible because despite us giving all we can and not having any more to give, people I don't even know are willing to throw a couple bucks our way because they understand what it's like to be stuck and they want to help anyone in that position if they can. Anyway. Thank you so much for your support, your kindness blows me away.

I will never forget how so many strangers banded together to lift my family up when those I "knew" could not or would not. This incredible gesture changed me. And I wanted to be honest and raw and unfiltered. Just rereading this post makes me emotional and brings me back to that state of panic, that moment of awe. Life will never cease to surprise you assuming you simply keep your eyes open.

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