Monday, March 09, 2015

Epilogue

It's been a really interesting month and as sad as I am for it to end, I will be going back on my antidepressants tomorrow. I will also be going to the gym for the first time in about 10,000 years. Tuesdays have held a historically significant presence in my life and I feel confident that this one will be no different.

There's something about crawling into a pit of despair that tends to make you look back. Sometimes with rose-tinted glasses, a gnawing nostalgia that solves nothing and only gets worse with time. Other times, everything seems awful. Generally this is my attitude towards my rearview mirror of recent activity.

After staying up too late, working, passing out basically as soon as I got home and sleeping all day, then having an existential crisis/emotional breakdown within an hour or so of waking up, I've slung back and forth through varying extremes of moods in less than 24 hours. Remembering that I don't have to feel this way, that getting my refill and restarting my meds is the only thing keeping me moving forward. Otherwise all I can do is lament this imperfect, forever lost past.

I'm through trying to keep the venom in my veins. The poison slipped to me not only by others but myself is overdue to be flushed out and with it, so many other things. It will take me a little bit to get back to "normal". How odd to think of myself as normal when I'm not overeating, crying over nothing, sick constantly. For so long, that's what I considered to be my default state. I finally realize what it's like to have relative stability as a possibility in my life and I simply can't turn from that. Choosing not to swallow a little white pill every day, at least at this point in my life, is the same as choosing suffering.

Perhaps I'm dosing myself. I believe it was Sylvia Plath who said, "I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay." Or Fall Out Boy. I get those two mixed up so often.

"Carly," you cry, "this whole post has been completely irrelevant! You're basically just airing out your feelings! How does this pertain to ME?"

Well, my narcissistic little reader, this all affects you because I will not be updating this blog anymore. As it is, I have only a handful of people actually "following" this blog and I've realized recently that it's been sort of a mess and not at all what I actually want to be contributing online. I don't regret a single post as each has been an integral stepping stone through the journey I've made for the past year. Did you realize that the content of this blog spans 14 months? I didn't until I looked just now to be completely honest with you. I feel like I just started this blog yesterday, hunched over in the dark tapping away at a laptop given to me by a dear friend. Time is simply too elusive.

This is not to say I will not be writing online anymore. As much as I've enjoyed sharing some of the darkest contents of my soul with you all (what was I thinking), I'm going to focus more on posts that have an actual purpose other than my own online therapy session/show and tell of childhood scars.

What can you expect SPECIFICALLY, you ask? Well, you'll just have to wait and see for the answer to that one.

As I mentioned earlier, I would really like to begin creating video content as well. Truth be told, the past month I've been so consumed by anxiety that the idea of getting in front of a camera has been absolutely terrifying. Like I said before, it'll be a minute until I return online and start posting things because I need to get my brain back on track. When I do come back, however, y'all better expect some excellent shit.

I wish I was the kind of person who planned these sorts of things ahead of time instead of just sitting down and deciding to write a "final" post. However, I wouldn't be me if that was the case. So let me try and keep this short.

Thank you all for listening to me, whether you liked it or hated it. I'm sure there's people out there who read some of the things I say and think I'm absolutely fucking nuts and the truth is, yeah, I'm a bit nutty. It's been a long, ridiculous road and I can only choose to be grateful for the way each step molded me as a person. This past year in particular has been so intense and it's only now that I'm looking back that I realize how much healing and learning I did without consciously recognizing it. That was one of the main purposes of this blog - I didn't just want to possibly entertain others or provoke thought and discussion with my stories revolving around mental health but also provoke thought within myself and hopefully stimulate growth. Being so honest on such a public platform was always something I was very aware of and often intimidated by but I found that exposing myself in such a way was almost cleansing. It must be that Catholic upbringing; the power of confession is truly compelling to me.

I hope most of the nonsense I spewed out was enjoyable and maybe even enlightening. I know that I personally have read very little by people who are open regarding borderline personality disorder and though I relate deeply to others who speak of depression and anxiety, there is something about BPD's particular breed of symptoms that is uniquely frustrating. If nothing else, perhaps someday a person diagnosed with borderline personality disorder will stumble upon this and not feel so alone. That would be an absolutely fulfilling outcome of this even had I not developed so much through the process of writing all my emotions out.

I love you all. Don't ever give up and never choose not to do something out of fear. In the words of Aristotle, YOLO.



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