Tuesday, September 13, 2016


Is it worth it?

I looked at my home with my brand new eyes yesterday, reexamining places I hadn't looked very closely at before, admiring the beautiful complex simplicities of my suburban home. A lemonade pink butterfly bush bursting beyond my wildest imagination with monarchs and cotton creatures dancing through the air. Aged stone statues of toadstools and frogs hiding mischievously on decade old steps. The lightly tanned nape of my husband's neck, a freckled trail leading to the soft curve of his ear.

The sensation of my heart stopping, that inexplicable surge of electricity that jolts through your nerves and gives you shivers -- that's how I felt whenever I looked at Nicholas. How fucking incredible is it that I found him in such an easy place? I never had to search for him. He found me. On our walk, I found myself turning away and blushing whenever his eyes met mine, like we were eighteen again. The brightness of his love was almost too much to bear but it was my sole source of illumination on so many desolate nights. I could survive without him, I knew this now, but what is the purpose of living if you were only getting by, dreaming of something you once had that you'll never experience again? What defines truly living?

Is it worth it?

I closed my eyes and let myself get completely swept away. I ceased to exist momentarily, disappearing into the consciousness of all the people swaying, singing, sweating, screaming around me. The bass rattled in my ribcage, vibrating my thoughts and pulling me gently to and fro. Neither hot nor cold, human or animal, fire or water -- for an instant, we were all and all were we. Like the shore rushing, I came back to the surface and felt the bubbles of excitement rising from inside of me. Opening my eyes, I stood witness to the light and love surrounding me. All I could do is laugh. Dance and laugh and live infinitely in this one moment.

Is it worth it?

A request for help is graciously rewarded. An open mind is proven correct. A patiently laid plan is executed. A laborious summer is concluded. A frustrating rut is over. A rebirth has occurred. I am revived.

I am so incredibly grateful for all the extraordinary people in my life. The gifts I've been given, the life that I lead, is blessed and only getting better all the time. Hardships will come and I will struggle with serenity but I will never give up. Because this life is worth it.

1 comment:

Say it, don't pray it.