Thursday, May 24, 2018

AM I GOING FUCKING CRAZY!!!!??? or: The Mental Health Spectrum

I talk to myself incessantly. I will literally sit on my carpet and chatter at my cat, who doesn't understand me, for a very solid one sided conversation. If I'm alone, you can guarantee that I'm having a full fledged dialogue - sometimes I record it just so I don't feel/look like such a nutcase.

But am I "crazy"?

If you're somehow unaware of my feelings regarding the word "crazy", it's not necessarily my favorite. It's pretty hurtful to a lot of people, myself included, though I have grown some really thick skin about it. Of the minorities I'm a part of, the personality disorder aspect of my personality is my most sensitive part. I've turned my femininity into a weapon, my ADD aids my task switching, poverty taught me resourcefulness. Borderline, however, alienated me and caused me to hate myself for a long, long, long time. Wounds may heal but I have the scars to prove those experiences stay with you forever.


So... am I "crazy"?

A lot of people would probably say yes. Have said yes. I've been one of them, myself. Self-proclaimed "crazy girl" - if I shout the word first, no one can wield it against me. This blade is mine alone. But unfortunately, all it takes is one person to disarm me and hurt me with it despite my attempt. So I try not to let the word be a blade.

Maybe I am crazy.

But what a fucking over simplification. Some days I probably act like the world's nuttiest bag of cashews but I'm actually super level chemically speaking. Others, no one would know but I'm daydreaming about inducing alcohol poisoning on the cold bathroom tile. Medication or no, I'll never be perfectly even. Meditation helps more than Lexapro ever did. I'd rather smoke a bowl than pop a Xanax any day of the week. I'll probably never be free of unproductive coping mechanisms but as long as I keep reducing harm and improving, I'll be okay with how I'm handling things.

Crazy, but managing it.

Finally off of the SSRIs (though our new health insurance can come through any day now so I can please get my levothyroxine refilled), it's been interesting to remember what I was like before those became a daily part of my life for over 600 days. Dreaming again has been a true delight. Of all the downsides, that was the absolute worst. I have had a nightmare or two since coming down but I'd take 100 for the moments of premonition and inspiration I get from my dreams.

We're all a little crazy.

Everything's a spectrum, we all have our bad behaviors and self destructive tendencies. Now that I finally love the way I look - actually love, not pretend to love - I've learned that I actually enjoy taking photos of myself. I avoided mirrors for years to prevent myself from picking at my face, picking apart my flaws, dismantling any sense of self confidence. Oddly enough, if you spend time examining yourself in the mirror, it helps you understand camera angles and how to pose! GO FIGURE!!!

Anyway, in the spirit of celebrating moments of calm mental fortitude:

look! I have a neck!!

Oh. And PS. I'm not going to update this blog anymore very, very soon. Give it about a week and I should be live at www.carlykaxt.com. Make sure to follow my page on Facebook or follow me on Twitter or even fucking Instagram to get the updates BOI. No excuses. Follow ALL the social platforms! okay well um bye forever

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